Just Do It, IZOD

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As we speak, IZOD is filming a new IndyCar commercial — this time in Panama. It’ll surely be a slick, high-octane spot filled with young people doing all their obnoxious young-people things … like spearfishing & sulking and so forth (or whatever it is young people do in tropical settings.) It’ll be your standard-issue IZOD commercial, and that’s fine. Anything new IZOD can give us is certainly better than the cerebral hemorrage they’ve been giving us.

But alas, I can’t help but think they’re missing a golden opportunity to market the League’s greatest natural resource: AJ Foyt. Because frankly, there’s not one segment of this population who he doesn’t appeal to … nor is he capable of being killed. He’s like a 275-pound chunk of nickel-plated Democracy, and it’s high time we capitalized on this.

You hear me, IZOD?!?! I want AJ Foyt in his OWN commercial, and I want it NOW! And I want it to shine. I want it to take all the clich├ęd marketing principals & strangle them with a bullwhip. Here. I’ll get you started:

[fade into scene of a silhouetted Panamanian tree line]

Foyt enters the beach from the uncut tropical forest carrying a four-wheeler, which is badly damaged. It’s clear that while most would have left the vehicle, he is not one of them. Anything less than 3 metric tons he feels obligated to carry.

He walks directly toward the camera with a severe limp, but says nothing. A spear is lodged deep in his calf, and his right arm is in a tourniquet. He pays his injuries no mind. He’s wearing a pair of IZOD cargo shorts & an ammunition rope around his neck — nothing else.

When he finally arrives at the camera, he drops the four-wheeler. "Wear IZOD," he says calmly, "or go f–k yourself."

[fade out]

You’re welcome, IZOD.

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15 Responses to “Just Do It, IZOD”

  1. Scene:

    IZOD is replaying their only commercial from the 2009 IndyCar season. AJ Foyt enters and lays waste to that “victory celebration” (or whatever was going on), signaling a new batch of IZOD commercials when he turns to the camera and says:

    “The IZOD IndyCar Series. So is your face.”

  2. Dude, Anthony Joseph Foyt, Junior has already been to Panama. Who do you think George Herbert Walker Bush sent to overthrow Manuel Noriega in 1989?

  3. A better commercial would be an AJ Foyt version of that Danica/Cop/Go Daddy advert – with AJ in the role of “sexy police woman” and Dario as Danica….

  4. AJ goes to the Himalayas on the Afghan-Pakistan border, spots a remote cave, enters the cave (sounds from the Honeymooner’s episode where Ralph finds a brief case full of cash that belongs to the mob; when the boys come to collect, Ralph takes the two of them into the bedroom, then emerges saying, “That’s the last time they screw around with a New York City Bus Driver”) AJ comes out with Osama in a headlock, and says, “Watch me turn this rag into an Izod fashion statement.”

  5. Jason McVeigh Says:

    I propose some sort of terminator 2 themed commercial with Danica as Sarah Connor who is being chased by some evil Nascar machine. Her only hope for survival is AJ Foyt who we all know is really a machine sent back through time to save open wheel racing. That’s why he’s virtually indestructable. Or, INDYstructable.

  6. I remember AJ storming Panama to get Noriega in ’89. I think it was called “Operation SOMMBITCH.”

  7. It would be funnier if AJ emerges from the jungle carrying boar carcasses. He tosses them down and stares at the camera, but doesn’t say a word. Its provacative.

  8. AJ, and Tony and Sam Hornish’s Dad could could sing SNL’s “All the plumbers in the house keep their pants up.”…of course AJ would be sporting his Izod Polo.
    Of course,
    RHR and GR would be on the sidelines with the beautiful Izod girls…
    TK would be running the other way, in his Izod casuals.

  9. AJ narrative over a grainy black and white footage –a re-enactment of the “near drowning” bulldozer incident.

    Subject crawls out from under a partially submerged, burning D9 ‘dozer… spits a bloody gator arm (claws and all) from his mouth.

    “Some of you wonder what AJ has in common with a shirt company. Well, rip a #*&@! gator off YOUR tit and you’ll begin to understand. AJ and Izod: neither of us will rest until every one of ‘em is dead… Gators and Luyendykes…”

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